You were pleasantly surprised just how good you could mask your own feelings after that night with Nomura. You had cried for half an hour after he left, then you changed your sheets and washed them, getting rid of is scent in your bed. A shower did the same for your body. A strong coffee chased the remnants of your hangover and lack of sleep away. When you left your place you felt empty, but okay.
That changed the same instance you entered the office and saw Nomura at Kirisawa’s desk. He glanced at you briefly and showed you a small smile and you nodded, almost mechanically, before you sat down at your desk and started working. A lot of paperwork waited for you and you were glad that you had something that kept your wandering mind occupied. Rob had almost instantly answered your text, sending you a link to the website of a nice little hotel, somewhere outside of the city. The huge lump in your throat threatened to suffocate you for a moment, but then you got a grip on yourself again. You wouldn’t cry anymore. You wouldn’t wallow in self pity. You would suck it up and keep going, giving Rob a real chance now that Nomura wasn’t in your obsessed mind any longer.
Of course that was a lie. Of course sleeping with him didn’t change your feelings, at least not like you wanted it to. Your crush was even stronger now and since you knew how incredible sex with him could be it was even harder not to fantasize all day about him. But you knew that he wasn’t the type of man for something steady, that he usually only slept once with a woman and then he was gone. Well, he had already slept with you. It was done. No chance for another try. You could now bury your hopes and move on. No more wondering how it would be, how it would feel, what he would do with you. You knew now and even though you craved for that closeness you had shared the night before, it was clear to you that you would have to be satisfied with the memories, because you wouldn’t get the real deal once more.
You were deep in thoughts about that form in front of you when a voice made you look up.
“You look especially cute today.” You knew it was Nomura even before you saw him, the voice was unmistakable. You had heard him groan and whisper dirty little things in your ear. You would never forget that voice.
“Thank you, Deputy Chief, but I’m working right now. If there’s nothing I can do for you I would like to continue what I’m doing.” You tried to sound professional and calm. You managed somehow.
“Such an eager little detective… actually I have a task for you, but I’d like to discuss that in private. Would you come into my office, after lunch break maybe?” The look in his warm brown eyes was friendly, no trace of anything else than his usual, good co-worker style behavior. You instantly knew what he wanted to talk about. He wanted to make sure that you were on the same page, that last night had just been fun, no strings attached, no drama. Sure.
Still, you nodded. “Of course. I’ll come by your office after lunch.”
With a satisfied nod Nomura tapped on your desk with his finger twice and left. You stared at your desk and wished he would have touched you instead.
As if the day wasn’t already horrible enough Rob called you just before lunch, telling you he was around the corner and would love to take you out for lunch. Since you couldn’t think of an excuse you agreed, took your bag and met him in front of the PD. You took him to a little bistro that almost no other detective ever visited and you were glad for that today. Too much was swirling in your head, you couldn’t take the usual teasing now. You couldn’t take anything now. Rob was sweet like always, told you about the errand that took him there. You supposed it was some kind of excuse to meet you after you had stalled him for some days. You ate something, forgot instantly what it was, your guilty conscience preventing you from even tasting the food. You ate mechanically and nodded politely to Rob’s talking.
“So, how about next weekend?” Your attention was on him when he asked you that.
“For what?” You weren’t really listening, you know it was impolite but this was your least problem right now.
“For our trip? I called the hotel and they do have some rooms available. I thought maybe… we could book a double room? Or is that too straight forward?” He looked at you with a mixture of anxiety and hope and you really felt like throwing up. God! You were the worst person EVER!
“A double room? With only one bed, I presume?” He started to fidget under your gaze until you forced yourself to smile. “Okay. Sounds good to me.”
He smiled brightly back and sighed in relief. He had definitely shown a lot of patience and you knew what he expected from this trip. And somehow it seemed easier just to give in than to actually sort out your feelings for him – and for Nomura.
Rob insisted on walking you back to the PD. And since the universe or karma or whatever decided that you hadn’t suffered enough yet you met Nomura in front of the building. He stared at you and Rob, at your linked hands – not that you had been keen on that, but he had just taken your hand casually and you couldn’t bring yourself to pull it back – and his expression turned wooden.
“Hiroshi is already looking for you. Stakeout tonight,” he said, but his voice sounded strange.
“Uhm, okay… oh, yes, Rob, this is Deputy Chief Nomura, my superior. Deputy Chief, this is Rob,” you said when you felt the gaze of both men on yourself. You couldn’t meet Nomura’s eyes, you were only silently praying to get out of this really horrible mess soon.
“I remember you. From that singles party,” Nomura said and shook hands with Rob.
“Yeah, that’s right. It had been a lucky day for me,” Rob answered and pulled you closer.
“Don’t forget to come by my office,” Nomura reminded you and turned around.
“Of course. I’ll be right there,” you assured him and put some distance between yourself and Rob. “I’ve got to go now. Sorry. I’ll call you about the weekend. Got to check if I can take some time off,” you mumbled apologetically and dodged his attempt to kiss you with a quick motion towards the PD. He got the hint and hugged you briefly.
“I’m looking forward to it. Let’s hope you can get some days off,” he said and waited until you disappeared in the building.
You heaved a sigh and headed to the elevator. Nomura was waiting for you. The sight alone made you want to cry, but you stubbornly forced the tears back.
“He seems nice,” Nomura remarked and you nodded silently.
“Have you told him…?” You shook your head.
“Will you?” You shrugged. The elevator pinged and the doors opened. You stared straight ahead and got in, Nomura followed you. You both were silent. You wondered if somehow there were more floors today than usual. Fully aware that this was stupid, but the way up seemed like an eternity.
“You know,” Nomura suddenly started and brought your attention back to him, “we should – hm, nevermind. You better find Hiroshi first. I think what I wanted to discuss can wait.” He turned towards you, scanning your face, and sighed. “Do you regret it?”
Your heart felt like a stone, cold and hard and unable to actually do its work. You took all the strength you had left and faced him.
“Last night? No, I don’t. I wish I wouldn’t have done that without clearing things with Rob first, though. He really doesn’t deserve this. But aside from that? It was the best night of my life and I would do that every time again if I had the choice.” The elevator stopped and the doors opened. “And now I hope you’ll excuse me since I have to find my boss.” With that you almost ran through the hallway, out of his sight, away from the sheer despair that tried to drown you.
You hid in the restroom for some minutes, wiping some few stray tears away and taking deep breaths, trying to calm down. Stupid, stupid, stupid! That had been so stupid! Why didn’t you just present your heart on a silver platter to him? So he could just crush it with that charming smile he always wore? You wanted to scream, you wanted to cry, you really wanted to smash something, but instead you forced your hands to stop trembling and went back into the office.
“There you are! You need to go on a stakeout tonight!” Kirisawa instantly spotted you when you entered the room.
“Understood.” You nodded, not even asking a question. Where? When? Who? Didn’t matter. Anything that kept you occupied was welcome.
“And Nomura was just here. I should give you off next weekend?” Kirisawa frowned and looked at you. With wide eyes you stared back until you realized what just had happened.
“Oh, he must have overheard the conversation I had with my – my boyfriend…” you mumbled and suddenly everyone in the office fell silent.
“What?! You still got that guy? How comes he isn’t fed up with you yet?” Tennoji blurted out and the other laughed.
“Yes, I STILL have that boyfriend. He is really nice and sweet and wants to take me on a trip next weekend!” You almost shouted, the teasing was just too much today.
Kirisawa only nodded. “Got it. Next weekend. You’ll get the weekend off.”
Kyobashi casually came over to your desk. “So, you will spend the weekend somewhere together? You know what that means? Hotel sex is the best, you don’t have to care about the neighbors or the furniture…”
“I swear, if I hear another word from you about that trip or me having a boyfriend or anything only remotely sexual, I will staple your balls to your thighs. And that will be only time I ever get near them, do you hear me?” you hissed back and Kyobashi raised his eyebrows, chuckled and went back to his desk. All you wanted to do was banging your head against the wall. But you didn’t.
Why had Nomura done that? Was it another way of teasing you? Did he try to push you even further away, conveniently into the arms of another man? When you closed your eyes you could still feel Nomura’s kisses, his touches, could still hear his groans and the dirty little things he had whispered to you. You could feel the heat rising in your face but unlike last night it pooled around your eyes. You so desperately wanted to cry and at the same time knew you couldn’t.
You quickly slapped your own cheeks twice to focus again on other things, grabbed your phone and wrote a text for Rob that you could get some days off that weekend. But you couldn’t bring yourself to actually send it. Maybe tomorrow.
The stakeout was quite standard. You sat in a car with Kyobashi – him of all people! – and stared at the door of a building, waiting for a perp to arrive.
“You have been pretty moody today,” he suddenly said and you groaned. You didn’t feel like small talk at all. You felt like a good, old fashioned chase. You wanted to run after an escaping perp, grab him after a while and slam him to the ground. No unnecessary cruelty, just to keep him from running. That would at least help you with your nervous energy.
“Yeah, you think so?” you scoffed and grabbed the binoculars to peer down the street.
“Yes. I think you’ve never before been like that. Not even when it’s that time of the month.” He shifted in his seat and you rolled your eyes.
“It’s called ‘menstruation’. Say the word, it doesn’t bite you,” you growled.
“Hey, I don’t want to pry, but you know that I can read you like a book and honestly I’m afraid that you will explode when you keep going like this.” He didn’t even seem to listen to you.
“So what? Are you trying to help me or do you need some new topics to make fun of me?” The sarcasm was thick in your voice and Kyobashi chuckled.
“No, I think I have enough to tease you about. I just don’t want you to do something stupid. At least not when I’m in a car with you.”
You frowned at him but then gave him a short nod. “Don’t worry, I got it under control.” Kyobashi nodded back and now you couldn’t stop thinking how bad it must be when even Kyobashi started to get worried.
24 hours. Wasn’t there this song? “What a difference a day makes, 24 little hours…” Yeah. Yesterday at this time you were tossing and turning in your bed with Nomura and now your whole life was a huge mess. It had been a mistake, you could see that now, and still you couldn’t really regret it. You only wished you could stop thinking about it.
The perp showed up shortly before Tennoji and Eiki came to replace you. You didn’t get the chase you were hoping for, but he did resisted arrest so at least you could get some adrenaline that helped you chase some of the somber thoughts away.
And after that? You were allowed to go home and sleep. You didn’t have to go to work before noon. The perfect excuse to not send a text message to Rob.
The next days were similar. You tried to avoid Rob, you tried to avoid Nomura, you buried yourself with work and after your shift you spend some time in the gym, tiring yourself out. The less energy you had the less you dreamt at night. And you didn’t want to dream because you always dreamt the same. Nomura, how he held you, kissed you. Nomura, how he told you he loved you. Nomura, how he made love to you. Not simply sex, but love.
You were so tired. This was not the life you wanted, not this empty existence. Didn’t you always think a man wasn’t the way to happiness? That you had to be content with yourself to be able to love someone else, not the other way around? So why the hell were you pining for Nomura so much? Why couldn’t you just move on?!
You were angry, mostly at yourself, mad about your lack of self-discipline. And on the other hand you were too tired to change anything, too tired to fight for – for what? Nomura? Rob? Your own sanity? You were a coward and you knew it. So when Friday rolled on and Rob sent you the last instructions for your trip the next morning you simply accepted it as your fate.
You dragged yourself to work on Friday morning, wordlessly sat down at your desk and started ploughing through the paperwork, when a piping hot cup of coffee was sat down in front of you. Looking up you saw Hanai, a tight smile on his face.
“Thanks,” you muttered and grabbed the cup, burning your tongue at the first sip but at least you felt something.
“Is something the matter?” you asked when he still didn’t left.
“Yeah, somehow.” Hanai frowned, obviously he wasn’t comfortable with the topic. “We are worried about you. Personally I fear you will wear yourself out when you continue like that. And your mood isn’t good for the team. So, if something bothers you, maybe it helps you to talk with us about it.” You would have smiled at his apparent uneasiness and that he still came to offer you some support, but you were too exhausted to do so. So you just nodded.
“Thank you. I’m really grateful for your offer, but that’s something I have to figure out myself. But I’m sure I will be better soon.” He nodded back and patted your shoulder awkwardly before he went back to his desk.
You must be a really pitiful sight when even Hanai noticed that something was wrong. You let out a short, bitter laugh and returned your attention to your paperwork.
In your lunch break you decided to go to the roof, the fresh air better than anything else to help you think. At this time tomorrow you would be in that cozy little hotel with Rob. Maybe you would explore the surrounding, maybe he would only explore you. The thought alone of his hands all over your body, his lips on your skin made you panic. You weren’t ready for this. You would never be ready. You just couldn’t imagine that it would feel like with Nomura. It would never again feel like that time.
Standing at the banister, letting the cool air and the wind chill your face and trying to even your breathing you didn’t notice that someone else came out to the roof, too.
“Already dreaming about your weekend?” The voice made you jump in surprise.
“Hello Chief Deputy,” you said without turning around. “Excuse me, I have to-“ you began and wanted to leave but he grabbed your arm.
“Don’t. Don’t go.” You froze. His touch, the sound of his voice – was that pain you noticed?
“Sorry, my break is almost over, I have to go back to-“ you muttered just to get interrupted again.
“No, that’s not what I mean. Don’t go-“ He let go of your arm. “Sorry. I – I shouldn’t… it’s nothing. I shouldn’t be bothering you…” You looked at him, noticed the dark circles under his eyes, the nervous way he ran his hands through his face and hair. He looked shaken.
“N-Nomura… what…?” You didn’t dare to hope, to breathe, to think. Did he come to prevent you from going on this trip? This stupid, meaningful weekend trip with Rob?
“Ah, sorry princess. Don’t mind me, please. Just – it had been a hard week,” he answered and showed you a smile. It was as faked as the ones you showed lately.
“No, please, speak your mind.” You were shaking slightly, fear and nervousness mixed with hope and anticipation. Would he really fight for you? Try to change your mind? Here and now?
“I-“ He stared at you with wide eyes before he closed his mouth again. When he kept on talking you could feel everything inside of you die. “I wish you a great trip.”
You could only nod briefly before you fled.
You ran to Kirisawa’s office and begged him to let you go early. You couldn’t stay here any second longer, already the tears started to form and you knew you wouldn’t be able to fight them anymore. Realizing in what state you were he granted your request and you left after your lunch break, not even saying “goodbye” to your coworkers.
At home you just managed to close the door behind you before you broke down.
You needed a few hours, but eventually you calmed down, washed your face – the cold water stinging so pleasantly against your swollen eyes – and started packing. You went through the motions like a sleepwalker, your brain not even involved. At least you didn’t dream that night.
The next morning found you much too soon, not enough sleep and the tormenting days before had you grumpy and moody. If he wasn’t part of your problem – albeit unintentionally and without his own knowledge – you would feel sorry for Rob. One hour before he would came to get you he called you one last time, making sure you were awake and ready. Well, you were at least awake.
The knock on your door startled you. A quick glance to the clock showed you that you had been spacing out for almost 45 minutes. You cautiously went to your door, almost reluctant to open it at all.
Another knock, more forceful this time.
“I’m coming,” you said and put your hand on the doorknob. As soon as you turned it and unlocked the door, it was pushed open from the outside, almost slamming against you.
Irritated and slightly angry you wanted to yell at the intruder until you realized who it was.
“You are still here!” Nomura stared at you with wide eyes, a light sheen of sweat on his skin, his breathing ragged.
“Well, I live here,” you replied, wanting to slap yourself for saying something stupid like this.
“I thought you were off to your trip.” He seemed confused.
You shrugged. “I – I cancelled it,” you said in a monotone voice. God, you were so empty. So pathetic. “Why are you here?” The question came rather late into your mind, but once it invaded your thoughts you couldn’t think about anything else anymore. Why? Why was he here? Why was he here when he thought you weren’t even at home anymore? Why?
“Actually…” he awkwardly scratched his neck, still standing in your doorway, while you stared at him, waiting for the moment this all would make sense.
“I wanted to – to convince you to stay. Not to go on that trip. And now I feel stupid because you already cancelled…”
Okay. This was not what you had expected.
“Why? Why don’t you want me to go on the trip? I thought you wanted me to go. Even ordered Boss to give me some days off.” Because the safest way to get rid of you was to drive you into the arms of someone else.
Now it was his turn to stare at you. For some moments none of you said a word.
“When I wanted to talk to you the other day – I wanted to tell you so much… and then you popped up with that guy, holding hands… and really, I thought if you were happy I could just leave you be – but I can’t. I’m sorry, but I can’t.” He slowly came closer, shut the door once he was in your hallway and you breathlessly waited for his next move. He stopped right in front of you, his fingertips almost touching your cheek, but he still hesitated.
“Are you and – Rob? Are you still…?”
Instead of an answer you got on your tiptoes and kissed him. Not a fierce, passionate kiss. A simple, gentle kiss, two pairs of lips touching.
When you parted you cleared your throat and avoided his gaze, afraid to ask what was on your mind.
“So, you came here for me?”
He chuckled. “I came here for you. Hoping to have actually a chance with you. I wanted to make you forget about Rob.” He dropped a kiss on your nose.
“Who?” you asked giddily, almost drunk on your own happiness.
“Right answer,” he mumbled and kissed you again. You would have to talk about all this, but right now, there in his arms, you weren’t even able to think straight. You moaned into the kiss and grabbed his shirt, pulling him closer. As if a switch had been flipped the kiss suddenly turned heated, his tongue glided into your mouth, playing with your tongue.
He reluctantly pulled away, resting his forehead against yours. “We – I don’t want to rush things,” he mumbled and you nodded slightly, hummed your affirmation while you kissed him again, nipping at his bottom lip what you had learned was something he liked. Slowly you backed up towards your bedroom, pulling him along with you.
“That’s not… what I meant… with not rushing… things…” he muttered between kisses and you pulled back briefly to look him into the eyes.
“We can take it slow – as soon as I got you naked,” you said, voice firm because it was exactly what you thought. You just needed him. Everything else you could discuss later, but now you needed to feel he was real, actually there with you, not only some delusion your wrecked brain had come up with. He definitely felt real under your hands, your lips, pressed against your body, but you had dreamt so much about him lately that you just had to make sure that he REALLY was the one pulling your shirt over your head right now.
Your fingers flew over the buttons of his shirt, pushing the fabric and his tie away to touch his naked chest while he pulled you closer so that your still bra-covered breasts were pressed against him.
“I missed this so much,” he muttered, his lips trailing down your neck. “Missed you so much.” You gave him a needy whimper as answer and tilted your head to give him better access. His lips felt even better than you remembered and you were eager to find out if that only applied to his kisses or to everything else, too.
You could hardly believe this was really happening. Nomura, the man that according to the rumors never fell for someone and never had sex with a woman twice, actually came to your home, after you already had sex once, and was now undressing you, although he said he didn’t want to rush anything. This had to be karma making it up to you after sending you through hell for so long. And you gladly accepted it.
While he worked on your bra you quickly rid him of his tie and jacket, pushed the shirt off his shoulders and put your hand on his belt. He groaned against the skin of your neck and ripped the bra off you, hugging you tight after your breasts were bared to him. The feeling of his skin against yours was mind blowing. You would never get enough of this sensation, already knowing that you wouldn’t have been able to stand being touched like that by anyone else anymore.
“This – this is not just sex, right?” you asked, suddenly scared by the intensity of your own feelings.
“No, it never was for me anyway. Always knew I wouldn’t be able to let you go,” he confessed, making sigh in relief. Good. That was good – wait, what?
“But – but you left that morning and I thought-“ You slightly pushed against his chest so he backed off a bit, enabling you to look into his eyes.
“You never gave me the chance to talk to you afterwards. And then you planned this trip with that guy… I wasn’t even sure what exactly you want.” You were standing in front of each other, bare from the waist upwards, already panting – was this the right moment to discuss this?
“I’m sorry,” you muttered and actually meant it. All the wasted time, all the pain and insecurity – and not only on your side as you now learned.
“I’m making it up to you,” you promised and opened his belt. He groaned once more when you opened his pants and pushed your hands inside, under the fabric of his boxer briefs.
“Me, too,” he whispered, his voice slightly strained while your fingers curled around his already hard shaft. Feeling him in your hand, hard and heavy, slightly wet at the tip, was so much more than you had hoped for in the last few days and you reveled in the sensation. You dropped down on your knees, pulling his pants and boxers down and licked his length before he could even try to stop you. Not that you expected him to even try. He hissed when you took him into your mouth, enjoying the musky, slightly bitter and very unique taste of his precum.
“I – if you keep that up – I won’t…” He was panting and barely able to talk and you suddenly felt proud that you were the reason for that.
With a wet pop you released him from your mouth, licking your lips briefly, making him groan at the sight.
“Come here,” he ordered and you gladly complied, taking his outreached hand that helped you up. As soon as you were standing again he kissed you deeply, his hands now opening your jeans, tugging the fabric down over your hips, taking your panties with it. You stepped out of pants and panties as soon as they hit the floor, eager to be naked with him. Your hands buried in his hair while you kept kissing him you slowly walked to your bed, only letting go of him enough to crawl on it and drag him with you.
“Need you now,” you whispered, not even in the mood for any more foreplay, just wanting to feel him deep inside of you, making this even more real to you. You barely managed to get a condom from your bedside table, the impatience making you tremble slightly. He took the wrapper from you and kissed you gently, pushing you down and rolling the condom over his cock.
You lay on your back, eagerly awaiting him, legs parted, arms reaching out for him. Without hesitation he lay on top of you, supporting his weight with his knees and elbows. He kissed you gently, searching your face for any sign of discomfort or hesitation, but finding none of it. You just smiled at him and nudged his nose. He positioned himself and you wrapped your arms around him, hands on his hips to pull him closer .With one swift, impatiently awaited thrust he was inside of you, not stopping until he filled you completely. You were whole again. A soft sob, almost a whimper escaped you at this wonderful feeling and only when he kissed your eyelids you realized that you were crying.
“I love you,” he mumbled, prompting another sob from you. Your hands grabbed him tighter, your legs wrapped around him, too, you wanted him as close as possible.
“I love you, too,” you replied, feeling as if your heart would burst. Your head was spinning, unable to process what was happening right now. This was everything you ever wanted. And then he started to move.
It wasn’t the passionate, ecstatic sex like last time. You weren’t drowning in desire, not shaken by waves and waves of pleasure. This was so much deeper, so much more intimate and meaningful – truly the best sex you ever had. He wasn’t only touching your body, but soothing your heart.
Nomura held one of your thighs, making you tilt your hips slightly to thrust even deeper into you, making you moan and sigh, eliciting an occasional sob when your emotions got the upper hand over the fever your body was going through. You wanted him closer, deeper, more – just more of it all. You begged him to go faster, deeper, clinging to him as if he was the only thing that kept you sane. Unlike the last time there was no desperation, not the urge to memorize every touch because you knew this wouldn’t be the last time, there would be plenty of others so you could just enjoy it and get lost in the moment.
You exchanged countless of kisses and even though the fire in your belly was burning hot, you somehow knew that you wouldn’t reach the peak this time. This act was more an expression of your feelings than of your desire. This was not fucking, this was making love. And you loved every second of it.
When Nomura started to moan more, his breath already ragged and his skin sweaty, you knew he was close.
“Come for me,” you whispered, urging him on. “Come for me, Tadanobu.”
At the sound of his name from your lips he gasped, his thrusts stuttered, he pushed deep into you and kept grinding more than thrusting. His lips found yours, his hand grabbed your thigh almost painfully tight. After some seconds he slumped down on you. His weight was just perfect. You loved lying beneath him like this, covered by his body, your sweat mingling with his, your breath mixed while you sloppily kissed a last time for now. With a deep sigh he pulled out of you and got rid of the condom before he lay down next to you, pulling you close.
“I’m not letting you go again,” he said and snuggled closer and you smiled, this was so much bliss, so much happiness that it almost hurt. Almost.
When he had caught his breath he kissed you softly, pulling you on his chest so your ear rested over his heart. His heartbeat was so comforting you feared to fall asleep immediately.
“Uhm, you – you didn’t came?” It wasn’t exactly a question and you smiled even more.
“No, not this time.” You were fine with it, you suspected that your body couldn’t have handled the happiness AND the pleasure anyway.
“Hmm…” He sounded dissatisfied. “I’m not sure if I can let this slide.” His hand ran up and down your back, leaving a tingling sensation in its wake.
You lifted your head and smiled at him, sleepily and content and completely satisfied.
“It’s fine. I got so much more than just physical pleasure. And you will have countless of opportunities to make it up to me.”
He pulled you closer, your head down on his chest again.
“Yeah. Yeah, I will.”
You fell asleep to the sound of his heart – beating just for you.
Miho & Jazz 