By the look in your eyes I can tell you’re gonna cry, is it over me?
If it is safe you tears, for I’m not worth it, you see.
For I’m the type of boy who is always on the roam,
Wherever I lay my hat that’s my home.
You knew it was wrong, you knew you should have fought those feelings when you first realized that they were there. But you couldn’t. Maybe you didn’t want to even. Maybe you thought that it would be different, that you would make a difference. That he would change for you.
You were so dumb. Naïve and dumb. Why should he change? Things were going great for him.
You remember when he told you not to fall for him and you jokingly said that wouldn’t happen. It was already too late then.
You couldn’t exactly say when it happened, just that one day you noticed a certain warmth in your belly when he entered the office and greeted you with his usual: “You’re cute again today. Do you want to go on a singles event with me tonight?”
And at some point you just agreed. Why not going out and meeting new people? You were tired of eating alone, sleeping alone, longing for someone, something that you tried to deny in the first place. You didn’t really want to meet someone new, but maybe, just maybe Nomura and you could talk a bit and get to know each other better. Maybe he would find you interesting. Maybe he would develop a crush on you just like you did on him.
It took less than five minutes to regret your decision. Of course he didn’t fall for you. He hardly even spoke to you. After the introduction he flirted with a beautiful red haired woman and you had to watch. You couldn’t NOT watch it. It was like a car crash – you just had to look.
How she threw her head back when she laughed and placed a hand on his arm. How he made sure that her glass was always full. The smoldering glances. The small touches. The smiles. Ugh. You hated every second. With your last ounce of self respect you tore your gaze from them and met the eyes of a nice looking man across from you. He smiled at you and you tentatively smiled back. Flirting wasn’t exactly your strong point, but after another glass of wine it seemed easier.
You talked a lot with Rob, that was his name, about his job – he worked at a bank, credits or something – his hobbies – he loved to go fishing and hiking – and his choice to be a vegetarian. He wasn’t exactly funny but cute and he tried really hard to make you smile. It was – nice. So when you saw Nomura walking away with that redhead you didn’t hesitate to give Rob your number – and get another glass of wine.
The next few days you felt awful. Whenever you saw Nomura your heart pounded and your stomach clenched. You couldn’t stop imagining what he might have done with that woman that night. You wished to be in her place. Even for just one night. Everything was better than this unrequited crush. You tried really hard to get him out of your mind, out of your heart.
You went on some dates with Rob. You let him kiss you after your third date. It wasn’t exactly bad but it didn’t make your heart race. Still you were willing to give him a chance. He really seemed to like you. Actually called when he said he would. Never tried anything without checking if you were okay with it. He didn’t even choose a restaurant for dinner without asking if you liked it.
So you found yourself on your couch, making out with Rob after another date, hoping time would pass quickly so you could send him home and go to bed. To dream of Nomura. That night you cried yourself to sleep.
You had romance, did you break it by chance over me?
If it’s so, I’d like for you to know that I’m not worth it, you see.
For I’m the type of boy who is always on the roam
Wherever I lay my hat that’s my home that’s my home
The next day you came to work, tired and grumpy, just to run into Nomura on the way to the office.
“Hey, my favorite detective! You are cute as always!” His cheerful voice made you want to punch him. Or kiss him. Or both. You did neither.
“Nomura, good morning. What can I do for you?” You didn’t even fake a smile, just looked at him with your slightly red eyes.
“What’s wrong, princess? Didn’t get much sleep?” He winked at you and you simply sighed. Why did you have to fall for him? Him of all people?
But you did and now you had to either get rid of those feelings or act on them. You were afraid of both options.
“Something like that, yeah…” you muttered and he peered at you intently.
“Trouble with your boyfriend?” He sounded actually concerned.
“No, not really trouble, just – stuff. Anyway, did you need me for something or was that just the impression I got from your exaggerated greeting?” If you had to choose between fight or flight it was the latter today.
“If you want to get a new boyfriend you can come to another singles event tonight. A cute girl like you won’t have trouble to get someone else.” You felt his warm gaze on you and wanted to scream at him to shut up, that it wasn’t so easy to replace another person, someone you actually dated. Kind of. Somehow. But you didn’t. You found yourself nodding again.
“Sounds good. When and where?”
He grinned. “How about I take you there tonight?”
He could take you anywhere and you would be happy, so you nodded again.
“Great. I’m dropping by the office at 8pm. Be ready by then.” With that he waved and walked off. And you cursed yourself for being so stupid.
The evening came and with it your nervousness. He would take you there. Did that mean he would bring you home afterwards? Or would he ditch you again to spend the night with another woman? Why did you even do that to yourself? And still you ran to the bathroom at 7.30 to touch up your makeup and change your clothes. At least you had some spare clothes in the office in case you stayed the night. Not that anyone would notice.
Halfway confident with your appearance you went back to the office, just to get some teasing comments from your co-workers. They were all ready to leave, Tennoji and Eiki already gone. Kyobashi, Hanai and the boss were still there and Kyobashi unabashedly looked you up and down.
“Having a date tonight?” His eyebrow raised he looked at you.
“I’m going to a singles party with Nomura,” you admitted and Hanai frowned.
“I thought you had a boyfriend?”
“Uhm, things are – complicated…” you vaguely answered and went to your desk, pushing piles of paperwork around.
“Are you following my example and get a boyfriend for every day of the week?” Kyobashi kept asking.
“No, just going out. It’s not as if I’m obliged to end up with one of the participants. I just don’t feel like staying at home tonight.” You didn’t want to discuss this right now. You and Rob, that was something undefined and honestly you didn’t saw a bright future for the both of you.
Kirisawa stared at you for a moment.
“You could come with us to Station,” he finally offered.
“But I already agreed to go to the singles event. It’s not that I can cancel at the last minute.” More that you didn’t want to. You still hoped that spending time with Nomura could lead to something between you. Even though it usually just led to more tears you shed alone in your bed afterwards, while he was surely having fun with another woman.
You really needed to get over this! And you would! First thing tomorrow.
The door was opened and Nomura came in.
“Hey guys, I’m going to borrow the princess for a bit,” he announced and nodded at you.
“Princess? More like the grumpy stable-lad,” Hanai said and you poked you tongue out at him.
“I’m ready, we can go,” you said and took your bag.
“You’re looking really cute,” Nomura said, waved toward the others and opened the door for you.
The ride in his car was awkward. You analyzed every motion, every glance, every word, but in the end you weren’t any wiser.
“So what’s with the guy you dated? Why aren’t you with him tonight? Why are you coming to a singles event instead?” He broke the silence eventually and you looked at him, slightly confused.
“Well, actually… he’s nice and all, but he isn’t the one, you know? Nothing exclusive anyway. And all I want to do is go out and get a bit drunk, talk with other people. It’s not that I’m going to hook up with someone.” You shrugged.
“I never saw you as someone who would hook up with someone else in the first place,” he answered with a grin. Yeah, right. You weren’t that type of girl. You wanted something steady, that was just the way you were. Not flings or one-night stands. But your heart wanted Nomura, and he wouldn’t give you something steady.
“Maybe you saw me in a wrong light, then,” you answered seriously. “Maybe I am the type for a hook up. And maybe that’s exactly what I’m looking for tonight. Just one night. Without strings attached.” You looked out of the window, your words the closest to an actual confession you dared to admit.
Oh, you keep telling me, you keep telling me, I’m your man.
What do I have to do to make you understand?
For I’m the type of guy who gives girl the eye, everybody knows.
But I love them and I leave them, break their hearts and deceive them everywhere I go.
You arrived at the bar where the party was held. You had stopped talking again after your little statement. Nomura put on a smile when you entered and you did the same. After the introductions he started flirting with a blonde, a nurse or something, and you started to drink. Not much. Just enough to numb your heart and your brain. You suddenly realized that you hadn’t asked him if he would take you home afterwards or if you should get a cab. Oh well, you would see eventually. It didn’t really matter.
You talked with some people, both guys and women, not really trying to make friends or find a date, just chatting and drinking. Soon the first couples formed, but there were still enough possibilities to casually talk with others. You got another drink and realized that you might be a bit tipsy. Time to get some air.
You stumbled out of the door, took a deep breath and decided to just walk up and down a bit. When you came around a corner you saw them. Nomura and the blonde. She was trapped between the wall and his body, giggling, with a hand on his arm. He leaned against the wall with one arm, the other hand brushing her hair from her neck. He leaned in and whispered something that made her giggle once more. You couldn’t hear them, just watched them being so close. You turned around before you could see them kissing. You instantly regretted coming here at all, your heart ached so much and you felt completely sober. Sober and stupid. He would never consider being with you. Never.
You went back inside and took a seat at the bar. You weren’t in the mood for the party anymore. You were in the mood to drink. Not the wine you usually had. You ordered some Tequila shots and downed the first two without even blinking. The barkeeper shot you a glance but you only waved him off. No need to worry about you.
Half an hour and maybe six shots later Nomura came in, his hair and clothes slightly disheveled. The sight nearly broke your heart. At least the part that wasn’t already shattered to dust.
“Hey princess, I thought you had left already with someone,” he cheerfully greeted you and sat down next to you.
“Thought the same about you.” Your answer was already slurred.
“What are you having?” There seemed to be worry in his eyes but maybe you were just too drunk already to read him correctly.
“Tequila.” You motioned the barkeeper for a refill.
“Is that a wise decision?” Nomura seemed amused.
“Is it ever?” You had trouble to fixate him with your gaze already. Maybe it was time to switch over to water. Oh, what the hell! Just one more. You downed the shot and made a face. The time for salt and lemon had long passed.
“So, didn’t found someone for tonight?” he kept teasing you.
“Who says that? I mean, the night isn’t over yet, is it?” You tried to get up but swayed until Nomura grabbed your arm to steady you.
“I think your night is over. No more Tequila for you,” he chuckled. “Seems as if you missed your chance for a hook up.”
“Hmph…” The sound you made wasn’t ladylike, it was a typical drunken noise to show your disagreement, confusion, anger – every little emotion you just felt. “So what about you? Already got lucky or do you want to go home with me?” Your in alcohol drenched brain made you say the most horrible things.
“You wouldn’t want that, princess,” he said, somehow sad. But you were too far gone to notice.
“What? Afraid I wouldn’t like it?” With that you got on your tiptoes and kissed him. A sloppy, drunken kiss that ended in giggles. But still so much better than anything you had imagined.
“Come on, live a little,” you taunted him and he clenched his jaws. Next thing you knew was that you were driving back in his car. He was actually taking you home.
The tensed silence was even worse than on your way to the party, but it helped you getting a clear head. Or at least a clearer head. There was still enough Tequila and unrequited longing to drown all your reason. When he put his hand on your thigh at a red light you almost jumped. When his hand wandered upwards you wanted to moan.
“You sure about this, princess?” He was still looking at the road.
“Definitely.” Maybe that was the solution for your problem. You could just forget about him once you had him in your bed. It wasn’t your heart that wanted him so much, it was your body. As long as you kept telling yourself things like that you could actually go through with this hook up thing.
“We are here, princess. Still sure?” He gave you another out but again you ignored it.
“Absolutely. So how about you stop talking and come in instead?” You left the car in a rush of bravado, walked, slightly swaying, to your door and fumbled with the key.
And suddenly he was there. Pressed closely behind you, his hand on yours helped with the key, his breath ghosted over your neck. When your door finally opened you were already panting, his lips were attached to your neck , one arm around your waist kept you upright. You stumbled into your hallway together, every reservation forgotten when you turned in his arms to kiss him again. This time it was even better, slower, but still full of desire and hunger. Your knees grew weak and you clung to him desperately.
“Maybe we shouldn’t do this after all,” he whispered, his voice already hoarse. “You’re drunk. You don’t know what you’re doing.”
“Convenient excuse, Deputy Chief, but I’m not that drunk.” You rattled off your badge number, your social security number and your telephone number. “Prove enough? Believe me, I know exactly what I’m doing.”
“Maybe, but it’s still a stupid decision.” But he didn’t stop kissing you, touching you. His hands were all over your body, opening buttons and tugging on clothes.
“I don’t need to be drunk to make stupid mistakes,” you replied before you opened his belt. And if all this was a mistake, at least you would enjoy every moment of it.
Your clothes landed on the floor all over your place while you slowly made your way to your bedroom, pausing every once in a while for a heated make out session against a wall, a door or on a piece of furniture. You were rather surprised that you made it into the bedroom at all. And still had your panties on. Nomura was in his boxer briefs, dark and tight, and if that sight didn’t get you sober nothing else could. The realization was like a bucket full of ice water. He was really there, in your bedroom, in underwear, and he WANTED you. That much was clear. And you felt not only your body reacting, but also your stupid heart. The pounding wasn’t only from your arousal.
“Hmm, princess, you have no idea how long I wanted to see you like that,” he put your thoughts into words. His hands on your waist pulled you closer and he kissed you again, your lips were already swollen and red but you just couldn’t stop. Kissing him was like a dream come true. He slowly walked you over to your bed and stopped next to it. He kissed your neck, your collarbone, down to the valley of your breasts. Dropping on his knees he let his lips trail over your body until he reached the waistband of your panties.
“I think you don’t need these anymore,” he muttered against your skin and tugged the fabric down your legs. You gasped when your sex was exposed to him, his hungry eyes and curious hands. He grabbed your hips and pushed you on your bed until you were sitting on the edge. Everything was like in a haze, the heat of his tongue trailing up your thigh, the strength of his hands holding your hips, his beard tickling your skin. You didn’t want to close your eyes, you wanted to watch him all night long, his face finally buried between your thighs. You were propped on your hands behind your body so you had the perfect view when he wrapped one of your legs over his shoulder and licked a broad stripe over your folds. You couldn’t hold back your moans when his tongue circled your clit, making it the centre of your needs when he flicked it over and over, sucked it between his lips. At some point you plopped down on your bed, your back arched, your mind blank, just focusing on the pleasure he caused you. Your breath came in quick, shallow puffs, mixed with sighs and moans and occasional ‘fuck, yes’s and ‘oh god’s. Your legs started to tremble, your whole body taunt and needy, ready to snap any minute now, the pressure in your belly almost unbearable when he brought a hand up and slid two fingers into you. With a loud cry you came on his tongue, your core clenching around his fingers. You panted and sobbed, the intense pleasure coursing through your body made you almost oblivious to anything else.
So you only noticed Nomura hovering naked over you when he kissed you again, the taste of your arousal on his lips and tongue. You reached down and grabbed his hard cock, feeling the precum on the tip. Nomura hissed when you spread the sticky liquid with your thumb over his tip before you started to gently pump his cock.
“You better – ughh, stop that… I don’t want to… to come like that…” he pressed out between gritted teeth. You grinned lazily, still in your afterglow, but stopped and got up slightly. He moved away to give you room and you crawled to the middle of the bed, patting on the mattress to show him where he should lie down. When he did you straddled him and leaned in to kiss him, your hips grinding down on him, his hard cock gliding through your slick folds. He grabbed your hips, threw his head back into the pillows so you had the chance to attack his neck. Your breasts grazed his firm chest, your hard nipples begging for attention when he cupped your soft mounds and started to play with your nipples.
It was torturous for the both of you so when you finally decided that you had played enough with him you were already in need for another release. You reached for your nightstand, opened a drawer and pulled a condom out. You shifted slightly and opened the wrapper, looked at Nomura in all his naked glory beneath you and a wild pride surged through you. The one you loved, the man you wanted more than any other man before – he was here and you would have sex with him. And afterwards you would be free to love someone else.
At least that was the plan. You rolled the condom over his cock, held it in place and positioned your hips. You lowered yourself onto him and you both moaned when he finally entered you. You took your time, wanted to savor the moment and every single inch of him. When you were finally sunken down on his lap as far as possible you put your hands on his chest to steady you and watched his face as you started to raise and lower your hips. He had his eyes closed, his lips were slightly parted, you saw and felt the heaving of his chest, the beating of his heart. For a moment you made yourself believe that it beat only for you.
Nomura’s hands slid from your thighs up to your hips. One stayed there and the other mad it’s way to your breasts. He rolled and tugged your nipple and you sped up your movements, riding him so that you dragged your clit over his pubic bone for more friction.
Your soft whimpers and his low moans filled your ears, you felt the light sheen of sweat covering your body and the heat in every spot he touched.
Suddenly he wrapped his arms around you and sat up, holding you in his lap while he kissed you and you just wanted to cry. This kiss wasn’t the hungry kind, not only lust and passion, it was sweet and soothing and sent your heart into overdrive.
Before you could get drunk on that feeling he had shifted you both so he could lay you down on your back, your legs wrapped around his waist while he kept sitting on his knees. Your ass rested on his thighs, your hips were raised, your breast bounced with his every thrust. Each one hit your sweet spot deep inside your core and even more, each thrust was directed at your heart. You felt the fire burning again in your belly but you were afraid that this time it would consume you fully, not leaving anything behind but an empty shell. There was no denying anymore, you had lost your heart to this man who only thought of you as a casual sexual adventure.
An especially deep thrust made you cry out in pleasure and despair, you sobbed and panted, unable to decide if your body or your heart was in charge right now.
“So good, princess… feels so… perfect… come for me… come around my cock…” he muttered while he started circling your clit with his thumb. You were so close already, so close, so afraid, so confused – so done for.
You grabbed your sheets tightly when the pleasure overwhelmed you again, you arched your back, tried to meet his thrusts as good as you could. You gasped, followed by a long moan when he slumped down on your, kept thrusting some more before he came, too. You trembled under him, the waves of your orgasm washing over you when you felt him twitch inside your core, when he growled in your ear and bit into your shoulder.
You only noticed your tears when he rolled off of you to get rid of the condom. Quickly you wiped your face clean, suddenly only wanting him to leave as soon as possible so you could cry openly. But he stayed. He snuggled close to you, hugged you tightly form behind and rested his head between your shoulder blades.
“You are really something,” he mumbled, his words affectionate and his touches gentle.
Your exhaustion made you fall asleep quickly.
Don’t you know that I’m the type of man who is always on the roam,
Wherever I lay my hat that’s my home.
When you woke up in the morning he was still there, but already getting dressed.
“Morning, princess. Sorry, I’ve got to leave, early meeting in the PD. Are we good?” He smiled at you like on every other morning when you met in the hallway. It was killing you.
“Sure. I better get ready, too. New case, lots of work today,” you answered, trying to keep your voice steady. He nodded, obviously satisfied, and grabbed his jacket.
“See you at the PD.” With a last wave of his hand he was gone.
He had been right. You had made a mistake. Sleeping with him didn’t help you to forget him, it only made your infatuation grow bigger. Now you would never be able to get over him.
With a self-depreciatory laugh you got up, took your phone and answered to a text Rob had sent you the evening before.
‘I would love to go on a weekend trip with you. Can’t wait!’
You weren’t fair to him, but maybe you would be able to love him eventually. If you were ever able to get your heart back from Nomura.
You know, I can’t make it all alone.
Sometimes that’s the way, that’s the way.
I’m not sad, I’m not sad, I don’t love you.
Just got to do.
Miho & Jazz 