You were pleasantly surprised just how good you could mask your own feelings after that night with Nomura. You had cried for half an hour after he left, then you changed your sheets and washed them, getting rid of is scent in your bed. A shower did the same for your body. A strong coffee chased the remnants of your hangover and lack of sleep away. When you left your place you felt empty, but okay.

That changed the same instance you entered the office and saw Nomura at Kirisawa’s desk. He glanced at you briefly and showed you a small smile and you nodded, almost mechanically, before you sat down at your desk and started working. A lot of paperwork waited for you and you were glad that you had something that kept your wandering mind occupied. Rob had almost instantly answered your text, sending you a link to the website of a nice little hotel, somewhere outside of the city. The huge lump in your throat threatened to suffocate you for a moment, but then you got a grip on yourself again. You wouldn’t cry anymore. You wouldn’t wallow in self pity. You would suck it up and keep going, giving Rob a real chance now that Nomura wasn’t in your obsessed mind any longer.

Of course that was a lie. Of course sleeping with him didn’t change your feelings, at least not like you wanted it to. Your crush was even stronger now and since you knew how incredible sex with him could be it was even harder not to fantasize all day about him. But you knew that he wasn’t the type of man for something steady, that he usually only slept once with a woman and then he was gone. Well, he had already slept with you. It was done. No chance for another try. You could now bury your hopes and move on. No more wondering how it would be, how it would feel, what he would do with you. You knew now and even though you craved for that closeness you had shared the night before, it was clear to you that you would have to be satisfied with the memories, because you wouldn’t get the real deal once more.

You were deep in thoughts about that form in front of you when a voice made you look up.

“You look especially cute today.” You knew it was Nomura even before you saw him, the voice was unmistakable. You had heard him groan and whisper dirty little things in your ear. You would never forget that voice.

“Thank you, Deputy Chief, but I’m working right now. If there’s nothing I can do for you I would like to continue what I’m doing.” You tried to sound professional and calm. You managed somehow.

“Such an eager little detective… actually I have a task for you, but I’d like to discuss that in private. Would you come into my office, after lunch break maybe?” The look in his warm brown eyes was friendly, no trace of anything else than his usual, good co-worker style behavior. You instantly knew what he wanted to talk about. He wanted to make sure that you were on the same page, that last night had just been fun, no strings attached, no drama. Sure.

Still, you nodded. “Of course. I’ll come by your office after lunch.”

With a satisfied nod Nomura tapped on your desk with his finger twice and left. You stared at your desk and wished he would have touched you instead.

As if the day wasn’t already horrible enough Rob called you just before lunch, telling you he was around the corner and would love to take you out for lunch. Since you couldn’t think of an excuse you agreed, took your bag and met him in front of the PD. You took him to a little bistro that almost no other detective ever visited and you were glad for that today. Too much was swirling in your head, you couldn’t take the usual teasing now. You couldn’t take anything now. Rob was sweet like always, told you about the errand that took him there. You supposed it was some kind of excuse to meet you after you had stalled him for some days. You ate something, forgot instantly what it was, your guilty conscience preventing you from even tasting the food. You ate mechanically and nodded politely to Rob’s talking.

“So, how about next weekend?” Your attention was on him when he asked you that.

“For what?” You weren’t really listening, you know it was impolite but this was your least problem right now.

“For our trip? I called the hotel and they do have some rooms available. I thought maybe… we could book a double room? Or is that too straight forward?” He looked at you with a mixture of anxiety and hope and you really felt like throwing up. God! You were the worst person EVER!

“A double room? With only one bed, I presume?” He started to fidget under your gaze until you forced yourself to smile. “Okay. Sounds good to me.”

He smiled brightly back and sighed in relief. He had definitely shown a lot of patience and you knew what he expected from this trip. And somehow it seemed easier just to give in than to actually sort out your feelings for him – and for Nomura.

Rob insisted on walking you back to the PD. And since the universe or karma or whatever decided that you hadn’t suffered enough yet you met Nomura in front of the building. He stared at you and Rob, at your linked hands – not that you had been keen on that, but he had just taken your hand casually and you couldn’t bring yourself to pull it back – and his expression turned wooden.

“Hiroshi is already looking for you. Stakeout tonight,” he said, but his voice sounded strange.

“Uhm, okay… oh, yes, Rob, this is Deputy Chief Nomura, my superior. Deputy Chief, this is Rob,” you said when you felt the gaze of both men on yourself. You couldn’t meet Nomura’s eyes, you were only silently praying to get out of this really horrible mess soon.

“I remember you. From that singles party,” Nomura said and shook hands with Rob.

“Yeah, that’s right. It had been a lucky day for me,” Rob answered and pulled you closer.

“Don’t forget to come by my office,” Nomura reminded you and turned around.

“Of course. I’ll be right there,” you assured him and put some distance between yourself and Rob. “I’ve got to go now. Sorry. I’ll call you about the weekend. Got to check if I can take some time off,” you mumbled apologetically and dodged his attempt to kiss you with a quick motion towards the PD. He got the hint and hugged you briefly.

“I’m looking forward to it. Let’s hope you can get some days off,” he said and waited until you disappeared in the building.

You heaved a sigh and headed to the elevator. Nomura was waiting for you. The sight alone made you want to cry, but you stubbornly forced the tears back.

“He seems nice,” Nomura remarked and you nodded silently.

“Have you told him…?” You shook your head.

“Will you?” You shrugged. The elevator pinged and the doors opened. You stared straight ahead and got in, Nomura followed you. You both were silent. You wondered if somehow there were more floors today than usual. Fully aware that this was stupid, but the way up seemed like an eternity.

“You know,” Nomura suddenly started and brought your attention back to him, “we should – hm, nevermind. You better find Hiroshi first. I think what I wanted to discuss can wait.” He turned towards you, scanning your face, and sighed. “Do you regret it?”

Your heart felt like a stone, cold and hard and unable to actually do its work. You took all the strength you had left and faced him.

“Last night? No, I don’t. I wish I wouldn’t have done that without clearing things with Rob first, though. He really doesn’t deserve this. But aside from that? It was the best night of my life and I would do that every time again if I had the choice.” The elevator stopped and the doors opened. “And now I hope you’ll excuse me since I have to find my boss.” With that you almost ran through the hallway, out of his sight, away from the sheer despair that tried to drown you.

You hid in the restroom for some minutes, wiping some few stray tears away and taking deep breaths, trying to calm down. Stupid, stupid, stupid! That had been so stupid! Why didn’t you just present your heart on a silver platter to him? So he could just crush it with that charming smile he always wore? You wanted to scream, you wanted to cry, you really wanted to smash something, but instead you forced your hands to stop trembling and went back into the office.

“There you are! You need to go on a stakeout tonight!” Kirisawa instantly spotted you when you entered the room.

“Understood.” You nodded, not even asking a question. Where? When? Who? Didn’t matter. Anything that kept you occupied was welcome.

“And Nomura was just here. I should give you off next weekend?” Kirisawa frowned and looked at you. With wide eyes you stared back until you realized what just had happened.

“Oh, he must have overheard the conversation I had with my – my boyfriend…” you mumbled and suddenly everyone in the office fell silent.

“What?! You still got that guy? How comes he isn’t fed up with you yet?” Tennoji blurted out and the other laughed.

“Yes, I STILL have that boyfriend. He is really nice and sweet and wants to take me on a trip next weekend!” You almost shouted, the teasing was just too much today.

Kirisawa only nodded. “Got it. Next weekend. You’ll get the weekend off.”

Kyobashi casually came over to your desk. “So, you will spend the weekend somewhere together? You know what that means? Hotel sex is the best, you don’t have to care about the neighbors or the furniture…”

“I swear, if I hear another word from you about that trip or me having a boyfriend or anything only remotely sexual, I will staple your balls to your thighs. And that will be only time I ever get near them, do you hear me?” you hissed back and Kyobashi raised his eyebrows, chuckled and went back to his desk. All you wanted to do was banging your head against the wall. But you didn’t.

Why had Nomura done that? Was it another way of teasing you? Did he try to push you even further away, conveniently into the arms of another man? When you closed your eyes you could still feel Nomura’s kisses, his touches, could still hear his groans and the dirty little things he had whispered to you. You could feel the heat rising in your face but unlike last night it pooled around your eyes. You so desperately wanted to cry and at the same time knew you couldn’t.

You quickly slapped your own cheeks twice to focus again on other things, grabbed your phone and wrote a text for Rob that you could get some days off that weekend. But you couldn’t bring yourself to actually send it. Maybe tomorrow.

The stakeout was quite standard. You sat in a car with Kyobashi – him of all people! – and stared at the door of a building, waiting for a perp to arrive.

“You have been pretty moody today,” he suddenly said and you groaned. You didn’t feel like small talk at all. You felt like a good, old fashioned chase. You wanted to run after an escaping perp, grab him after a while and slam him to the ground. No unnecessary cruelty, just to keep him from running. That would at least help you with your nervous energy.

“Yeah, you think so?” you scoffed and grabbed the binoculars to peer down the street.

“Yes. I think you’ve never before been like that. Not even when it’s that time of the month.” He shifted in his seat and you rolled your eyes.

“It’s called ‘menstruation’. Say the word, it doesn’t bite you,” you growled.

“Hey, I don’t want to pry, but you know that I can read you like a book and honestly I’m afraid that you will explode when you keep going like this.” He didn’t even seem to listen to you.

“So what? Are you trying to help me or do you need some new topics to make fun of me?” The sarcasm was thick in your voice and Kyobashi chuckled.

“No, I think I have enough to tease you about. I just don’t want you to do something stupid. At least not when I’m in a car with you.”

You frowned at him but then gave him a short nod. “Don’t worry, I got it under control.” Kyobashi nodded back and now you couldn’t stop thinking how bad it must be when even Kyobashi started to get worried.

24 hours. Wasn’t there this song? “What a difference a day makes, 24 little hours…” Yeah. Yesterday at this time you were tossing and turning in your bed with Nomura and now your whole life was a huge mess. It had been a mistake, you could see that now, and still you couldn’t really regret it. You only wished you could stop thinking about it.

The perp showed up shortly before Tennoji and Eiki came to replace you. You didn’t get the chase you were hoping for, but he did resisted arrest so at least you could get some adrenaline that helped you chase some of the somber thoughts away.

And after that? You were allowed to go home and sleep. You didn’t have to go to work before noon. The perfect excuse to not send a text message to Rob.

The next days were similar. You tried to avoid Rob, you tried to avoid Nomura, you buried yourself with work and after your shift you spend some time in the gym, tiring yourself out. The less energy you had the less you dreamt at night. And you didn’t want to dream because you always dreamt the same. Nomura, how he held you, kissed you. Nomura, how he told you he loved you. Nomura, how he made love to you. Not simply sex, but love.

You were so tired. This was not the life you wanted, not this empty existence. Didn’t you always think a man wasn’t the way to happiness? That you had to be content with yourself to be able to love someone else, not the other way around? So why the hell were you pining for Nomura so much? Why couldn’t you just move on?!

You were angry, mostly at yourself, mad about your lack of self-discipline. And on the other hand you were too tired to change anything, too tired to fight for – for what? Nomura? Rob? Your own sanity? You were a coward and you knew it. So when Friday rolled on and Rob sent you the last instructions for your trip the next morning you simply accepted it as your fate.

You dragged yourself to work on Friday morning, wordlessly sat down at your desk and started ploughing through the paperwork, when a piping hot cup of coffee was sat down in front of you. Looking up you saw Hanai, a tight smile on his face.

“Thanks,” you muttered and grabbed the cup, burning your tongue at the first sip but at least you felt something.

“Is something the matter?” you asked when he still didn’t left.

“Yeah, somehow.” Hanai frowned, obviously he wasn’t comfortable with the topic. “We are worried about you. Personally I fear you will wear yourself out when you continue like that. And your mood isn’t good for the team. So, if something bothers you, maybe it helps you to talk with us about it.” You would have smiled at his apparent uneasiness and that he still came to offer you some support, but you were too exhausted to do so. So you just nodded.

“Thank you. I’m really grateful for your offer, but that’s something I have to figure out myself. But I’m sure I will be better soon.” He nodded back and patted your shoulder awkwardly before he went back to his desk.

You must be a really pitiful sight when even Hanai noticed that something was wrong. You let out a short, bitter laugh and returned your attention to your paperwork.

In your lunch break you decided to go to the roof, the fresh air better than anything else to help you think. At this time tomorrow you would be in that cozy little hotel with Rob. Maybe you would explore the surrounding, maybe he would only explore you. The thought alone of his hands all over your body, his lips on your skin made you panic. You weren’t ready for this. You would never be ready. You just couldn’t imagine that it would feel like with Nomura. It would never again feel like that time.

Standing at the banister, letting the cool air and the wind chill your face and trying to even your breathing you didn’t notice that someone else came out to the roof, too.

“Already dreaming about your weekend?” The voice made you jump in surprise.

“Hello Chief Deputy,” you said without turning around. “Excuse me, I have to-“ you began and wanted to leave but he grabbed your arm.

“Don’t. Don’t go.” You froze. His touch, the sound of his voice – was that pain you noticed?

“Sorry, my break is almost over, I have to go back to-“ you muttered just to get interrupted again.

“No, that’s not what I mean. Don’t go-“ He let go of your arm. “Sorry. I – I shouldn’t… it’s nothing. I shouldn’t be bothering you…” You looked at him, noticed the dark circles under his eyes, the nervous way he ran his hands through his face and hair. He looked shaken.

“N-Nomura… what…?” You didn’t dare to hope, to breathe, to think. Did he come to prevent you from going on this trip? This stupid, meaningful weekend trip with Rob?

“Ah, sorry princess. Don’t mind me, please. Just – it had been a hard week,” he answered and showed you a smile. It was as faked as the ones you showed lately.

“No, please, speak your mind.” You were shaking slightly, fear and nervousness mixed with hope and anticipation. Would he really fight for you? Try to change your mind? Here and now?

“I-“ He stared at you with wide eyes before he closed his mouth again. When he kept on talking you could feel everything inside of you die. “I wish you a great trip.”

You could only nod briefly before you fled.

You ran to Kirisawa’s office and begged him to let you go early. You couldn’t stay here any second longer, already the tears started to form and you knew you wouldn’t be able to fight them anymore. Realizing in what state you were he granted your request and you left after your lunch break, not even saying “goodbye” to your coworkers.

At home you just managed to close the door behind you before you broke down.

You needed a few hours, but eventually you calmed down, washed your face – the cold water stinging so pleasantly against your swollen eyes – and started packing. You went through the motions like a sleepwalker, your brain not even involved. At least you didn’t dream that night.

The next morning found you much too soon, not enough sleep and the tormenting days before had you grumpy and moody. If he wasn’t part of your problem – albeit unintentionally and without his own knowledge – you would feel sorry for Rob. One hour before he would came to get you he called you one last time, making sure you were awake and ready. Well, you were at least awake.

The knock on your door startled you. A quick glance to the clock showed you that you had been spacing out for almost 45 minutes. You cautiously went to your door, almost reluctant to open it at all.

Another knock, more forceful this time.

“I’m coming,” you said and put your hand on the doorknob. As soon as you turned it and unlocked the door, it was pushed open from the outside, almost slamming against you.

Irritated and slightly angry you wanted to yell at the intruder until you realized who it was.

“You are still here!” Nomura stared at you with wide eyes, a light sheen of sweat on his skin, his breathing ragged.

“Well, I live here,” you replied, wanting to slap yourself for saying something stupid like this.

“I thought you were off to your trip.” He seemed confused.

You shrugged. “I – I cancelled it,” you said in a monotone voice. God, you were so empty. So pathetic. “Why are you here?” The question came rather late into your mind, but once it invaded your thoughts you couldn’t think about anything else anymore. Why? Why was he here? Why was he here when he thought you weren’t even at home anymore? Why?

“Actually…” he awkwardly scratched his neck, still standing in your doorway, while you stared at him, waiting for the moment this all would make sense.

“I wanted to – to convince you to stay. Not to go on that trip. And now I feel stupid because you already cancelled…”

Okay. This was not what you had expected.

“Why? Why don’t you want me to go on the trip? I thought you wanted me to go. Even ordered Boss to give me some days off.”  Because the safest way to get rid of you was to drive you into the arms of someone else.

Now it was his turn to stare at you. For some moments none of you said a word.

“When I wanted to talk to you the other day – I wanted to tell you so much… and then you popped up with that guy, holding hands… and really, I thought if you were happy I could just leave you be – but I can’t. I’m sorry, but I can’t.” He slowly came closer, shut the door once he was in your hallway and you breathlessly waited for his next move. He stopped right in front of you, his fingertips almost touching your cheek, but he still hesitated.

“Are you and – Rob? Are you still…?”

Instead of an answer you got on your tiptoes and kissed him. Not a fierce, passionate kiss. A simple, gentle kiss, two pairs of lips touching.

When you parted you cleared your throat and avoided his gaze, afraid to ask what was on your mind.

“So, you came here for me?”

He chuckled. “I came here for you. Hoping to have actually a chance with you. I wanted to make you forget about Rob.” He dropped a kiss on your nose.

“Who?” you asked giddily, almost drunk on your own happiness.

“Right answer,” he mumbled and kissed you again. You would have to talk about all this, but right now, there in his arms, you weren’t even able to think straight. You moaned into the kiss and grabbed his shirt, pulling him closer. As if a switch had been flipped the kiss suddenly turned heated, his tongue glided into your mouth, playing with your tongue.

He reluctantly pulled away, resting his forehead against yours. “We – I don’t want to rush things,” he mumbled and you nodded slightly, hummed your affirmation while you kissed him again, nipping at his bottom lip what you had learned was something he liked. Slowly you backed up towards your bedroom, pulling him along with you.

“That’s not… what I meant… with not rushing… things…” he muttered between kisses and you pulled back briefly to look him into the eyes.

“We can take it slow – as soon as I got you naked,” you said, voice firm because it was exactly what you thought. You just needed him. Everything else you could discuss later, but now you needed to feel he was real, actually there with you, not only some delusion your wrecked brain had come up with. He definitely felt real under your hands, your lips, pressed against your body, but you had dreamt so much about him lately that you just had to make sure that he REALLY was the one pulling your shirt over your head right now.

Your fingers flew over the buttons of his shirt, pushing the fabric and his tie away to touch his naked chest while he pulled you closer so that your still bra-covered breasts were pressed against him.

“I missed this so much,” he muttered, his lips trailing down your neck. “Missed you so much.” You gave him a needy whimper as answer and tilted your head to give him better access. His lips felt even better than you remembered and you were eager to find out if that only applied to his kisses or to everything else, too.

You could hardly believe this was really happening. Nomura, the man that according to the rumors never fell for someone and never had sex with a woman twice, actually came to your home, after you already had sex once, and was now undressing you, although he said he didn’t want to rush anything. This had to be karma making it up to you after sending you through hell for so long. And you gladly accepted it.

While he worked on your bra you quickly rid him of his tie and jacket, pushed the shirt off his shoulders and put your hand on his belt. He groaned against the skin of your neck and ripped the bra off you, hugging you tight after your breasts were bared to him. The feeling of his skin against yours was mind blowing. You would never get enough of this sensation, already knowing that you wouldn’t have been able to stand being touched like that by anyone else anymore.

“This – this is not just sex, right?” you asked, suddenly scared by the intensity of your own feelings.

“No, it never was for me anyway. Always knew I wouldn’t be able to let you go,” he confessed, making sigh in relief. Good. That was good – wait, what?

“But – but you left that morning and I thought-“ You slightly pushed against his chest so he backed off a bit, enabling you to look into his eyes.

“You never gave me the chance to talk to you afterwards. And then you planned this trip with that guy… I wasn’t even sure what exactly you want.” You were standing in front of each other, bare from the waist upwards, already panting – was this the right moment to discuss this?

“I’m sorry,” you muttered and actually meant it. All the wasted time, all the pain and insecurity – and not only on your side as you now learned.

“I’m making it up to you,” you promised and opened his belt. He groaned once more when you opened his pants and pushed your hands inside, under the fabric of his boxer briefs.

“Me, too,” he whispered, his voice slightly strained while your fingers curled around his already hard shaft. Feeling him in your hand, hard and heavy, slightly wet at the tip, was so much more than you had hoped for in the last few days and you reveled in the sensation. You dropped down on your knees, pulling his pants and boxers down and licked his length before he could even try to stop you. Not that you expected him to even try. He hissed when you took him into your mouth, enjoying the musky, slightly bitter and very unique taste of his precum.

“I – if you keep that up – I won’t…” He was panting and barely able to talk and you suddenly felt proud that you were the reason for that.

With a wet pop you released him from your mouth, licking your lips briefly, making him groan at the sight.

“Come here,” he ordered and you gladly complied, taking his outreached hand that helped you up. As soon as you were standing again he kissed you deeply, his hands now opening your jeans, tugging the fabric down over your hips, taking your panties with it. You stepped out of pants and panties as soon as they hit the floor, eager to be naked with him. Your hands buried in his hair while you kept kissing him you slowly walked to your bed, only letting go of him enough to crawl on it and drag him with you.

“Need you now,” you whispered, not even in the mood for any more foreplay, just wanting to feel him deep inside of you, making this even more real to you. You barely managed to get a condom from your bedside table, the impatience making you tremble slightly. He took the wrapper from you and kissed you gently, pushing you down and rolling the condom over his cock.

You lay on your back, eagerly awaiting him, legs parted, arms reaching out for him. Without hesitation he lay on top of you, supporting his weight with his knees and elbows. He kissed you gently, searching your face for any sign of discomfort or hesitation, but finding none of it. You just smiled at him and nudged his nose. He positioned himself and you wrapped your arms around him, hands on his hips to pull him closer .With one swift, impatiently awaited thrust he was inside of you, not stopping until he filled you completely. You were whole again. A soft sob, almost a whimper escaped you at this wonderful feeling and only when he kissed your eyelids you realized that you were crying.

“I love you,” he mumbled, prompting another sob from you. Your hands grabbed him tighter, your legs wrapped around him, too, you wanted him as close as possible.

“I love you, too,” you replied, feeling as if your heart would burst. Your head was spinning, unable to process what was happening right now. This was everything you ever wanted. And then he started to move.

It wasn’t the passionate, ecstatic sex like last time. You weren’t drowning in desire, not shaken by waves and waves of pleasure. This was so much deeper, so much more intimate and meaningful – truly the best sex you ever had. He wasn’t only touching your body, but soothing your heart.

Nomura held one of your thighs, making you tilt your hips slightly to thrust even deeper into you, making you moan and sigh, eliciting an occasional sob when your emotions got the upper hand over the fever your body was going through. You wanted him closer, deeper, more – just more of it all. You begged him to go faster, deeper, clinging to him as if he was the only thing that kept you sane. Unlike the last time there was no desperation, not the urge to memorize every touch because you knew this wouldn’t be the last time, there would be plenty of others so you could just enjoy it and get lost in the moment.

You exchanged countless of kisses and even though the fire in your belly was burning hot, you somehow knew that you wouldn’t reach the peak this time. This act was more an expression of your feelings than of your desire. This was not fucking, this was making love. And you loved every second of it.

When Nomura started to moan more, his breath already ragged and his skin sweaty, you knew he was close.

“Come for me,” you whispered, urging him on. “Come for me, Tadanobu.”

At the sound of his name from your lips he gasped, his thrusts stuttered, he pushed deep into you and kept grinding more than thrusting. His lips found yours, his hand grabbed your thigh almost painfully tight. After some seconds he slumped down on you. His weight was just perfect. You loved lying beneath him like this, covered by his body, your sweat mingling with his, your breath mixed while you sloppily kissed a last time for now. With a deep sigh he pulled out of you and got rid of the condom before he lay down next to you, pulling you close.

“I’m not letting you go again,” he said and snuggled closer and you smiled, this was so much bliss, so much happiness that it almost hurt. Almost.

When he had caught his breath he kissed you softly, pulling you on his chest so your ear rested over his heart. His heartbeat was so comforting you feared to fall asleep immediately.

“Uhm, you – you didn’t came?” It wasn’t exactly a question and you smiled even more.

“No, not this time.” You were fine with it, you suspected that your body couldn’t have handled the happiness AND the pleasure anyway.

“Hmm…” He sounded dissatisfied. “I’m not sure if I can let this slide.” His hand ran up and down your back, leaving a tingling sensation in its wake.

You lifted your head and smiled at him, sleepily and content and completely satisfied.

“It’s fine. I got so much more than just physical pleasure. And you will have countless of opportunities to make it up to me.”

He pulled you closer, your head down on his chest again.

“Yeah. Yeah, I will.”

You fell asleep to the sound of his heart – beating just for you.

By the look in your eyes I can tell you’re gonna cry, is it over me?

If it is safe you tears, for I’m not worth it, you see.

For I’m the type of boy who is always on the roam,
Wherever I lay my hat that’s my home.

You knew it was wrong, you knew you should have fought those feelings when you first realized that they were there. But you couldn’t. Maybe you didn’t want to even. Maybe you thought that it would be different, that you would make a difference. That he would change for you.

You were so dumb. Naïve and dumb. Why should he change? Things were going great for him.

You remember when he told you not to fall for him and you jokingly said that wouldn’t happen. It was already too late then.

You couldn’t exactly say when it happened, just that one day you noticed a certain warmth in your belly when he entered the office and greeted you with his usual: “You’re cute again today. Do you want to go on a singles event with me tonight?”

And at some point you just agreed. Why not going out and meeting new people? You were tired of eating alone, sleeping alone, longing for someone, something that you tried to deny in the first place. You didn’t really want to meet someone new, but maybe, just maybe Nomura and you could talk a bit and get to know each other better. Maybe he would find you interesting. Maybe he would develop a crush on you just like you did on him.

It took less than five minutes to regret your decision. Of course he didn’t fall for you. He hardly even spoke to you. After the introduction he flirted with a beautiful red haired woman and you had to watch. You couldn’t NOT watch it. It was like a car crash – you just had to look.

How she threw her head back when she laughed and placed a hand on his arm. How he made sure that her glass was always full. The smoldering glances. The small touches. The smiles. Ugh. You hated every second. With your last ounce of self respect you tore your gaze from them and met the eyes of a nice looking man across from you. He smiled at you and you tentatively smiled back. Flirting wasn’t exactly your strong point, but after another glass of wine it seemed easier.

You talked a lot with Rob, that was his name, about his job – he worked at a bank, credits or something – his hobbies – he loved to go fishing and hiking – and his choice to be a vegetarian. He wasn’t exactly funny but cute and he tried really hard to make you smile. It was – nice. So when you saw Nomura walking away with that redhead you didn’t hesitate to give Rob your number – and get another glass of wine.

The next few days you felt awful. Whenever you saw Nomura your heart pounded and your stomach clenched. You couldn’t stop imagining what he might have done with that woman that night. You wished to be in her place. Even for just one night. Everything was better than this unrequited crush. You tried really hard to get him out of your mind, out of your heart.

You went on some dates with Rob. You let him kiss you after your third date. It wasn’t exactly bad but it didn’t make your heart race. Still you were willing to give him a chance. He really seemed to like you. Actually called when he said he would. Never tried anything without checking if you were okay with it. He didn’t even choose a restaurant for dinner without asking if you liked it.

So you found yourself on your couch, making out with Rob after another date, hoping time would pass quickly so you could send him home and go to bed. To dream of Nomura. That night you cried yourself to sleep.

You had romance, did you break it by chance over me?
If it’s so, I’d like for you to know that I’m not worth it, you see.
For I’m the type of boy who is always on the roam
Wherever I lay my hat that’s my home that’s my home

The next day you came to work, tired and grumpy, just to run into Nomura on the way to the office.

“Hey, my favorite detective! You are cute as always!” His cheerful voice made you want to punch him. Or kiss him. Or both. You did neither.

“Nomura, good morning. What can I do for you?” You didn’t even fake a smile, just looked at him with your slightly red eyes.

“What’s wrong, princess? Didn’t get much sleep?” He winked at you and you simply sighed. Why did you have to fall for him? Him of all people?

But you did and now you had to either get rid of those feelings or act on them. You were afraid of both options.

“Something like that, yeah…” you muttered and he peered at you intently.

“Trouble with your boyfriend?” He sounded actually concerned.

“No, not really trouble, just – stuff. Anyway, did you need me for something or was that just the impression I got from your exaggerated greeting?” If you had to choose between fight or flight it was the latter today.

“If you want to get a new boyfriend you can come to another singles event tonight. A cute girl like you won’t have trouble to get someone else.” You felt his warm gaze on you and wanted to scream at him to shut up, that it wasn’t so easy to replace another person, someone you actually dated. Kind of. Somehow. But you didn’t. You found yourself nodding again.

“Sounds good. When and where?”

He grinned. “How about I take you there tonight?”

He could take you anywhere and you would be happy, so you nodded again.

“Great. I’m dropping by the office at 8pm. Be ready by then.” With that he waved and walked off. And you cursed yourself for being so stupid.

The evening came and with it your nervousness. He would take you there. Did that mean he would bring you home afterwards? Or would he ditch you again to spend the night with another woman? Why did you even do that to yourself? And still you ran to the bathroom at 7.30 to touch up your makeup and change your clothes. At least you had some spare clothes in the office in case you stayed the night. Not that anyone would notice.

Halfway confident with your appearance you went back to the office, just to get some teasing comments from your co-workers. They were all ready to leave, Tennoji and Eiki already gone. Kyobashi, Hanai and the boss were still there and Kyobashi unabashedly looked you up and down.

“Having a date tonight?” His eyebrow raised he looked at you.

“I’m going to a singles party with Nomura,” you admitted and Hanai frowned.

“I thought you had a boyfriend?”

“Uhm, things are – complicated…” you vaguely answered and went to your desk, pushing piles of paperwork around.

“Are you following my example and get a boyfriend for every day of the week?” Kyobashi kept asking.

“No, just going out. It’s not as if I’m obliged to end up with one of the participants. I just don’t feel like staying at home tonight.” You didn’t want to discuss this right now. You and Rob, that was something undefined and honestly you didn’t saw a bright future for the both of you.

Kirisawa stared at you for a moment.

“You could come with us to Station,” he finally offered.

“But I already agreed to go to the singles event. It’s not that I can cancel at the last minute.” More that you didn’t want to. You still hoped that spending time with Nomura could lead to something between you. Even though it usually just led to more tears you shed alone in your bed afterwards, while he was surely having fun with another woman.

You really needed to get over this! And you would! First thing tomorrow.

The door was opened and Nomura came in.

“Hey guys, I’m going to borrow the princess for a bit,” he announced and nodded at you.

“Princess? More like the grumpy stable-lad,” Hanai said and you poked you tongue out at him.

“I’m ready, we can go,” you said and took your bag.

“You’re looking really cute,” Nomura said, waved toward the others and opened the door for you.

The ride in his car was awkward. You analyzed every motion, every glance, every word, but in the end you weren’t any wiser.

“So what’s with the guy you dated? Why aren’t you with him tonight? Why are you coming to a singles event instead?” He broke the silence eventually and you looked at him, slightly confused.

“Well, actually… he’s nice and all, but he isn’t the one, you know? Nothing exclusive anyway. And all I want to do is go out and get a bit drunk, talk with other people. It’s not that I’m going to hook up with someone.” You shrugged.

“I never saw you as someone who would hook up with someone else in the first place,” he answered with a grin. Yeah, right. You weren’t that type of girl. You wanted something steady, that was just the way you were. Not flings or one-night stands. But your heart wanted Nomura, and he wouldn’t give you something steady.

“Maybe you saw me in a wrong light, then,” you answered seriously. “Maybe I am the type for a hook up. And maybe that’s exactly what I’m looking for tonight. Just one night. Without strings attached.” You looked out of the window, your words the closest to an actual confession you dared to admit.

Oh, you keep telling me, you keep telling me, I’m your man.
What do I have to do to make you understand?

For I’m the type of guy who gives girl the eye, everybody knows.
But I love them and I leave them, break their hearts and deceive them everywhere I go.

You arrived at the bar where the party was held. You had stopped talking again after your little statement. Nomura put on a smile when you entered and you did the same. After the introductions he started flirting with a blonde, a nurse or something, and you started to drink. Not much. Just enough to numb your heart and your brain. You suddenly realized that you hadn’t asked him if he would take you home afterwards or if you should get a cab. Oh well, you would see eventually. It didn’t really matter.

You talked with some people, both guys and women, not really trying to make friends or find a date, just chatting and drinking. Soon the first couples formed, but there were still enough possibilities to casually talk with others. You got another drink and realized that you might be a bit tipsy. Time to get some air.

You stumbled out of the door, took a deep breath and decided to just walk up and down a bit. When you came around a corner you saw them. Nomura and the blonde. She was trapped between the wall and his body, giggling, with a hand on his arm. He leaned against the wall with one arm, the other hand brushing her hair from her neck. He leaned in and whispered something that made her giggle once more. You couldn’t hear them, just watched them being so close. You turned around before you could see them kissing. You instantly regretted coming here at all, your heart ached so much and you felt completely sober. Sober and stupid. He would never consider being with you. Never.

You went back inside and took a seat at the bar. You weren’t in the mood for the party anymore. You were in the mood to drink. Not the wine you usually had. You ordered some Tequila shots and downed the first two without even blinking. The barkeeper shot you a glance but you only waved him off. No need to worry about you.

Half an hour and maybe six shots later Nomura came in, his hair and clothes slightly disheveled. The sight nearly broke your heart. At least the part that wasn’t already shattered to dust.

“Hey princess, I thought you had left already with someone,” he cheerfully greeted you and sat down next to you.

“Thought the same about you.” Your answer was already slurred.

“What are you having?” There seemed to be worry in his eyes but maybe you were just too drunk already to read him correctly.

“Tequila.” You motioned the barkeeper for a refill.

“Is that a wise decision?” Nomura seemed amused.

“Is it ever?”  You had trouble to fixate him with your gaze already. Maybe it was time to switch over to water. Oh, what the hell! Just one more. You downed the shot and made a face. The time for salt and lemon had long passed.

“So, didn’t found someone for tonight?” he kept teasing you.

“Who says that? I mean, the night isn’t over yet, is it?” You tried to get up but swayed until Nomura grabbed your arm to steady you.

“I think your night is over. No more Tequila for you,” he chuckled. “Seems as if you missed your chance for a hook up.”

“Hmph…” The sound you made wasn’t ladylike, it was a typical drunken noise to show your disagreement, confusion, anger – every little emotion you just felt. “So what about you? Already got lucky or do you want to go home with me?” Your in alcohol drenched brain made you say the most horrible things.

“You wouldn’t want that, princess,” he said, somehow sad. But you were too far gone to notice.

“What? Afraid I wouldn’t like it?” With that you got on your tiptoes and kissed him. A sloppy, drunken kiss that ended in giggles. But still so much better than anything you had imagined.

“Come on, live a little,” you taunted him and he clenched his jaws. Next thing you knew was that you were driving back in his car. He was actually taking you home.

The tensed silence was even worse than on your way to the party, but it helped you getting a clear head. Or at least a clearer head. There was still enough Tequila and unrequited longing to drown all your reason. When he put his hand on your thigh at a red light you almost jumped. When his hand wandered upwards you wanted to moan.

“You sure about this, princess?” He was still looking at the road.

“Definitely.” Maybe that was the solution for your problem. You could just forget about him once you had him in your bed. It wasn’t your heart that wanted him so much, it was your body. As long as you kept telling yourself things like that you could actually go through with this hook up thing.

“We are here, princess. Still sure?” He gave you another out but again you ignored it.

“Absolutely. So how about you stop talking and come in instead?” You left the car in a rush of bravado, walked, slightly swaying, to your door and fumbled with the key.

And suddenly he was there. Pressed closely behind you, his hand on yours helped with the key, his breath ghosted over your neck. When your door finally opened you were already panting, his lips were attached to your neck , one arm around your waist kept you upright. You stumbled into your hallway together, every reservation forgotten when you turned in his arms to kiss him again. This time it was even better, slower, but still full of desire and hunger. Your knees grew weak and you clung to him desperately.

“Maybe we shouldn’t do this after all,” he whispered, his voice already hoarse. “You’re drunk. You don’t know what you’re doing.”

“Convenient excuse, Deputy Chief, but I’m not that drunk.” You rattled off your badge number, your social security number and your telephone number. “Prove enough? Believe me, I know exactly what I’m doing.”

“Maybe, but it’s still a stupid decision.” But he didn’t stop kissing you, touching you. His hands were all over your body, opening buttons and tugging on clothes.

“I don’t need to be drunk to make stupid mistakes,” you replied before you opened his belt. And if all this was a mistake, at least you would enjoy every moment of it.

Your clothes landed on the floor all over your place while you slowly made your way to your bedroom, pausing every once in a while for a heated make out session against a wall, a door or on a piece of furniture. You were rather surprised that you made it into the bedroom at all. And still had your panties on. Nomura was in his boxer briefs, dark and tight, and if that sight didn’t get you sober nothing else could. The realization was like a bucket full of ice water. He was really there, in your bedroom, in underwear, and he WANTED you. That much was clear. And you felt not only your body reacting, but also your stupid heart. The pounding wasn’t only from your arousal.

“Hmm, princess, you have no idea how long I wanted to see you like that,” he put your thoughts into words. His hands on your waist pulled you closer and he kissed you again, your lips were already swollen and red but you just couldn’t stop. Kissing him was like a dream come true. He slowly walked you over to your bed and stopped next to it. He kissed your neck, your collarbone, down to the valley of your breasts. Dropping on his knees he let his lips trail over your body until he reached the waistband of your panties.

“I think you don’t need these anymore,” he muttered against your skin and tugged the fabric down your legs. You gasped when your sex was exposed to him, his hungry eyes and curious hands. He grabbed your hips and pushed you on your bed until you were sitting on the edge. Everything was like in a haze, the heat of his tongue trailing up your thigh, the strength of his hands holding your hips, his beard tickling your skin. You didn’t want to close your eyes, you wanted to watch him all night long, his face finally buried between your thighs. You were propped on your hands behind your body so you had the perfect view when he wrapped one of your legs over his shoulder and licked a broad stripe over your folds. You couldn’t hold back your moans when his tongue circled your clit, making it the centre of your needs when he flicked it over and over, sucked it between his lips. At some point you plopped down on your bed, your back arched, your mind blank, just focusing on the pleasure he caused you. Your breath came in quick, shallow puffs, mixed with sighs and moans and occasional ‘fuck, yes’s and ‘oh god’s. Your legs started to tremble, your whole body taunt and needy, ready to snap any minute now, the pressure in your belly almost unbearable when he brought a hand up and slid two fingers into you. With a loud cry you came on his tongue, your core clenching around his fingers. You panted and sobbed, the intense pleasure coursing through your body made you almost oblivious to anything else.

So you only noticed Nomura hovering naked over you when he kissed you again, the taste of your arousal on his lips and tongue. You reached down and grabbed his hard cock, feeling the precum on the tip. Nomura hissed when you spread the sticky liquid with your thumb over his tip before you started to gently pump his cock.

“You better – ughh, stop that… I don’t want to… to come like that…” he pressed out between gritted teeth. You grinned lazily, still in your afterglow, but stopped and got up slightly. He moved away to give you room and you crawled to the middle of the bed, patting on the mattress to show him where he should lie down. When he did you straddled him and leaned in to kiss him, your hips grinding down on him, his hard cock gliding through your slick folds. He grabbed your hips, threw his head back into the pillows so you had the chance to attack his neck. Your breasts grazed his firm chest, your hard nipples begging for attention when he cupped your soft mounds and started to play with your nipples.

It was torturous for the both of you so when you finally decided that you had played enough with him you were already in need for another release. You reached for your nightstand, opened a drawer and pulled a condom out. You shifted slightly and opened the wrapper, looked at Nomura in all his naked glory beneath you and a wild pride surged through you. The one you loved, the man you wanted more than any other man before – he was here and you would have sex with him. And afterwards you would be free to love someone else.

At least that was the plan. You rolled the condom over his cock, held it in place and positioned your hips. You lowered yourself onto him and you both moaned when he finally entered you. You took your time, wanted to savor the moment and every single inch of him. When you were finally sunken down on his lap as far as possible you put your hands on his chest to steady you and watched his face as you started to raise and lower your hips. He had his eyes closed, his lips were slightly parted, you saw and felt the heaving of his chest, the beating of his heart. For a moment you made yourself believe that it beat only for you.

Nomura’s hands slid from your thighs up to your hips. One stayed there and the other mad it’s way to your breasts. He rolled and tugged your nipple and you sped up your movements, riding him so that you dragged your clit over his pubic bone for more friction.

Your soft whimpers and his low moans filled your ears, you felt the light sheen of sweat covering your body and the heat in every spot he touched.

Suddenly he wrapped his arms around you and sat up, holding you in his lap while he kissed you and you just wanted to cry. This kiss wasn’t the hungry kind, not only lust and passion, it was sweet and soothing and sent your heart into overdrive.

Before you could get drunk on that feeling he had shifted you both so he could lay you down on your back, your legs wrapped around his waist while he kept sitting on his knees. Your ass rested on his thighs, your hips were raised, your breast bounced with his every thrust. Each one hit your sweet spot deep inside your core and even more, each thrust was directed at your heart. You felt the fire burning again in your belly but you were afraid that this time it would consume you fully, not leaving anything behind but an empty shell. There was no denying anymore, you had lost your heart to this man who only thought of you as a casual sexual adventure.

An especially deep thrust made you cry out in pleasure and despair, you sobbed and panted, unable to decide if your body or your heart was in charge right now.

“So good, princess… feels so… perfect… come for me… come around my cock…” he muttered while he started circling your clit with his thumb. You were so close already, so close, so afraid, so confused – so done for.

You grabbed your sheets tightly when the pleasure overwhelmed you again, you arched your back, tried to meet his thrusts as good as you could. You gasped, followed by a long moan when he slumped down on your, kept thrusting some more before he came, too. You trembled under him, the waves of your orgasm washing over you when you felt him twitch inside your core, when he growled in your ear and bit into your shoulder.

You only noticed your tears when he rolled off of you to get rid of the condom. Quickly you wiped your face clean, suddenly only wanting him to leave as soon as possible so you could cry openly. But he stayed. He snuggled close to you, hugged you tightly form behind and rested his head between your shoulder blades.

“You are really something,” he mumbled, his words affectionate and his touches gentle.

Your exhaustion made you fall asleep quickly.

Don’t you know that I’m the type of man who is always on the roam,
Wherever I lay my hat that’s my home.

When you woke up in the morning he was still there, but already getting dressed.

“Morning, princess. Sorry, I’ve got to leave, early meeting in the PD. Are we good?” He smiled at you like on every other morning when you met in the hallway. It was killing you.

“Sure. I better get ready, too. New case, lots of work today,” you answered, trying to keep your voice steady. He nodded, obviously satisfied, and grabbed his jacket.

“See you at the PD.” With a last wave of his hand he was gone.

He had been right. You had made a mistake. Sleeping with him didn’t help you to forget him, it only made your infatuation grow bigger. Now you would never be able to get over him.

With a self-depreciatory laugh you got up, took your phone and answered to a text Rob had sent you the evening before.

‘I would love to go on a weekend trip with you. Can’t wait!’

You weren’t fair to him, but maybe you would be able to love him eventually. If you were ever able to get your heart back from Nomura.

You know, I can’t make it all alone.
Sometimes that’s the way, that’s the way.
I’m not sad, I’m not sad, I don’t love you.
Just got to do.